Sunday, October 11, 2009

Welcome To My World

I don't want to be the person
who is not happy
unless she is miserable,
don't want to feel like this
at all, ever.
Don't want to explain why
I can't, I've done it too many times
to me it's obvious
to anyone who knows me it should be.
I wonder how other people feel?
normal people,
do they think why they are here?
what their purpose in life is?
do they question their existence?
do they constantly want to know
if life is worth living?
Or are they just enjoying the journey.
Are their days filled with fun things to do
places to go, people to see?
How dose it feel
not to think all the time
not to question everything
not to measure, to weigh, to compare
try to find the good
always careful not to hurt
not to destroy, to pollute
to alter
try to create something
beautiful, meaningful, lasting
anything
to breath deeply
to breath and not smell despair
how dose it feel?

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Going Home

Sometimes,
it's the way that sunlight picks through the curtains
sometimes it's a familiar smell I can't recall
a song, a melody heard from afar,
tonight it was the city lights
flickering in the distant
as I was driving on the 210
they all transport me home
for one magical, precious moment.
Returning from summer vacation
in the crowded back seat of our car
tired and sleepy eyed
we would smile in the dark
when the city lights would appear
beyond the hills
thinking that we were almost home
that our beds were waiting for us
warm and cool at the same time.
I know, and yet I don't know
why it makes me sad
to think of home
maybe because that home
exists only, in my memories
like my parents, it's long gone
maybe my now is so bleak
that the past always seems better
happier, kinder somehow
But I know better
Because I remember
The summers of suffocating boredom
in our small town
When the library was all we had for entertainment
Yet I long for these bygone yesterdays
when life was naive, uncomplicated
Innocent.



Friday, September 11, 2009

Dusty Memories

It's noon and the sunlight is white
The heat hanging still
cool sheets smelling like lavender
the air fragrant with
cigarette smoke and tea
my mom is taking a siesta
forcing me to lay by her side
but the Summer day is so full of promise
I can't sleep
I crawl soundlessly out of her reach
then spring to my feet and run
clutching my doll, mumbling sweet love
I'm the momma now
strolling in my childhood garden
drunk with happiness and smell of Jasmin
I'm free

Monday, September 07, 2009

Why Do I Love Thee

Maybe it's because you were conceived with passion
with pent up longing of separation
maybe because you were my offering
to the alter of love
maybe I love you because
you will carry us through generations
because you have his logic & my fire
I love you because you are pure unspoiled unique
You are love
My love

Blackstone Merlot

I love red wine
after a few glasses
I even love myself
I'm forgiving
I'm kind
I become philosophical
and forgive every one's offense's
no one is mean tonight
no harsh words spoken
only cressing complements
My husband of thirty four years
is dashing
my reflection on the wine bottle is
dreamy
I should drink red wine
more often.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Fooling

Fooling myself
fooling everyone
faking a smile
hiding in the mundane
not looking in the mirror
not wanting to face myself
longing for solitude
to hear myself breathe
listen to the falling rain
the fire crackling
ice melting in the glass
why the torture
who cares? do I?
needing to appease
denying sincerity
disowning serenity
Living like a fool.


Monday, February 02, 2009

Regrets

I'm turning the soil
my body is weary, my legs like lead
sweat dripping from my forehead
gripping the shovel with callused hands
digging the hard winter soil
I'm tired and my arms hurt.
Flowers are waiting to be planted
spring is coming

the soil is ready
flowers are waiting.

Make your plans
take your trips
fall in love
sing your songs
do your deeds
jump from plains
swim in waterfalls
climb your Everest
plant your flowers.
All the things you dare dream about
everything you care for
when there is still time
in the spring of your life
before your body is old

before your soul is tired
if you don't
you will regret
and regrets are painful
more painful than anything.





Thursday, January 29, 2009

Shooting Star

I wasn't there for your birth
I didn't see you grow
Never got to know you
Never even saw
I loved you because of her
I loved you because of shared blood
I heard you were beautiful
a free spirit
wanting to brake away
to be free
and you did
you broke away from your planet
soared high into the sky
you became a star
a shooting star
but you fell
you fell burning
burning with your desire
for life and love
left us with questions unanswered
left your dreams for us
your unfulfilled promises
your unrealized life
you were a star
our shooting star

Monday, January 26, 2009

Blood & Love

I look up and I see my father's reflection in the window
reading with a cigarette in hand
glasses perched on his nose
a cup of coffee on the table,
but it's my reflection I'm looking at,
and I miss him.
I'm cooking with fragrant herbs
chopping, dicing, mincing
washing pots and pans as I cook
my wedding band making music
ping ping ping
this is how I remember my mother
through the smells of my cooking
the sounds of my kitchen
and the taste of our meals.
Now I'm sewing something,
cutting the fabric carefully
placing my left hand on the cloth
using the scissors with my right
it's my oldest sister's hands
that I'm looking at
when I would sit impatiently by her side
as she made me pretty little girl dresses.
I see them in me, I see me in them
I look like all nine of my brothers and sisters
I look like my mom and dad
I am them, and they are me,
this is our blood
this is love.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am
Don't ask how I'm doing
Don't bother asking how I feel
I am raw with emotion
It hurts too much
it hurts to feel
to think
asking is like picking at my wounds
making blood flow like my tears
I am one soul living two lives
feeling for two
hurting for two
going mad

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Wind

It's come again, this dammed wind 
rattling my nerves and windows,
scattering leaves and lives,
braking my favorite potted plants
turning the garden chairs upside down
littering my pool 
with flower petals and bird feathers,
tossing my hair and thoughts every which way, 
howling, roaring, wailing
like a madman, protesting life's injustices,
flinging all restraint 
whimpering like a defeated child 
dying, exhausted
coiling around itself, winding down, spent
weeping. 
This crazy, insane, lunatic wind
its' me, I feel sorry,
for this wind, and me.